


and we will become silhouettes

by majesdane



Category: Skins (UK) RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-21
Updated: 2009-09-21
Packaged: 2017-12-06 14:12:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/736574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Lily scares her, sometimes.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	and we will become silhouettes

it seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone;  
you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity.

you just have to love someone.

\-- _how to be good_ , nick hornby

 

 

 

On an early Sunday morning, on one of those rare instances when she's woken up early before everyone else, that's when everything changes.

Passing Kathryn's bedroom on her way downstairs, Megan sees something through the partially open door that makes her start: Lily in bed with her sister, who's curled up against her, head on Lily's chest. They're still asleep, the blankets mercifully bunched up around them, and there's something about the way they look, all quiet and peaceful and all pretence gone, that causes something heavy to settle in the pit of her stomach.

She reaches forward and closes the door with a soft click.

Eating toast with jam in the kitchen later while listening to her iPod, all she can think about is Lily and Kat upstairs, still sleeping, they way they're just holding each other like that. It's so unexpected, even though it shouldn't be, since she'd seen them kissing in the dressing room before and Kathryn lacks any sense of subtlety at all when it comes to these sort of things. But this is different, somehow. More personal. She can't quite put her finger on it.

When Lily comes down a few hours later, sans Kat, she flashes Megan an embarrassed smile and fetches herself a glass of water before heading back upstairs.

 

;;

 

Lily can't remember how they got here.

It was the wrap-up party, she thinks, after they finished filming the third series. Kathryn got pissed and lost her voice from too much shouting, and somehow Lily'd ended up kissing her in the empty, rain-slicked streets outside the club, grabbing her by her denim jacket and crushing their lips together with so much intensity that it scared even her.

From then on, things had been easy -- falling for Kathryn had been easy.

The time that wasn't devoted to other, more urgent matters -- ADR, mountains of catch-up work for college for Kat, interviews, and publicity events -- was spent in Kathryn's bed, with it's huge downy comforter and soft, candy floss coloured sheets. She remembers trailing a finger down the length of Kat's stomach, the exposed skin warm and smooth beneath her touch, how Kathryn felt, arching beneath her with a sigh, while her fingers tangled in Lily's hair. Lily remembers being pulled up for a kiss -- Kathryn usually tastes of fags and Cokes, though sometimes she tastes of peppermint schnapps or alcolpops -- and being pressed down onto the mattress, as Kat's fingers and tongue and mouth worked quickly to undo her.

"Do you ever think about it," Kathryn says one day, while they're lounging in her bed. "About the future, I mean. What will happen after _Skins_ is over. What will happen to _us_."

"I don't like to spend my time worrying." Lily reaches forward and brushes Kat's fringe from her eyes, dipping her head and kissing the bridge of Kat's nose.

Kat sighs, cradles Lily's face with her palm. "I _do_ worry, though. All the time."

Lily takes her hand, spreading Kathryn's fingers and kissing the tips of each one slowly. Kathryn sighs again, settling back down on the pillows, her bright hair framing her pale face, bringing out the pinkness of her lips; Lily reaches forward and traces a finger lightly over them, before covering Kat's mouth with her own.

"Stay with me," Kat pleads quietly in her ear, gripping Lily's shoulders tightly.

"I will," Lily tells her, though she's not clear if Kat just means _tonight_ or _forever_.

(She not sure if it really matters.)

 

;;

 

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Megan asks her one day, when they're sat on the couch watching a re-run of last night's episode of _Big Brother_. "About you and Lily, I mean," she clarifies, when Kathryn raises an eyebrow. "I mean, you don't have to now, because I already know. But it would have been nice if you'd told me . . . when it happened."

Kathryn's quiet for a long moment. "I didn't think it mattered that much to you."

"Of course it does," Megan says, getting off the couch and heading off towards the kitchen.

 

;;

 

Lily scares her, sometimes.

Kathryn spends more time worrying now than she ever has about anything before. And she can't understand _why_ she worries, because Lily has never given her any reason to think that they won't live out some sort of fairy-tale life together. But when Lily presses a kiss to her shoulder, it's anxiety that closes up Kat's s throat and makes the room feel too small, as if the ceiling is pressing down on her. She wonders, sometimes, if Lily feels that way too, as if their whole lives have somehow been narrowed down to this one point, this one second of time.

(She has seen the way Lily looks at people who are not her and it terrifies her.)

 

;;

 

"It feels strange, somehow," Lily remarks, flopping down onto Megan's bed in their shared apartment in Bristol, accidentally knocking a worn-out issue of _Heat_ onto the floor. "With Kat not being here. I mean, Kat's always here, isn't she? It's never just you and me like this."

"No," Megan says, very quietly, sitting on the edge of the bed. "It's never like this."

 

;;

 

They're different, Lily thinks, when she wakes up in the middle of the night and sees Megan on the bed next to hers, the covers half kicked off, one arm wrapped possessively around a pillow. She's noticed the differences before, of course, but they somehow seem more pronounced now; there is the curve of Megan's hip, rounder than Kat's, the stark contrast of dark hair on white sheets, the way her top bunches up around her stomach, just under her breasts.

(The way she looks so small while sleeping, the softness of her skin, the slope of her neck, the fullness of her cheeks, the arch of her calves. It makes her both desperately miss Kat and long to curl up beside Megan at the same time.)

She's not sure what to do with that sort of thinking, so she heads off to the bathroom and splashes her face with cold water, running a shaky hand through her hair. Crawling back into bed, she grabs her phone off the nightstand and sends Kat a text: _i miss you_. She doesn't worry about waking Kathryn up, because Kat probably hasn't even come home yet, is probably off at some club getting pissed and flirting a bit too much with every pretty girl she spots.

(It should bother her more, she thinks, and then decides that it's probably worrisome that it _doesn't_.)

Megan sighs in her sleep, rolling over; Lily watches the way her hair tumbles along her back, shoulders.

 

;;

 

When she slips a hand down the front of her knickers, later, still unable to sleep, she ends up staring at Megan's back -- that dark purple-red hair, the pale shoulders -- and thinking about what it would be like to run her finger down the length of Megan's spine, to feel Megan shiver beneath her touch.

(She forces herself to think of Kathryn right before she comes, if only to feel less guilty later.)

 

;;

 

Kat misses Lily more than she can bear, sometimes.

 

;;

 

There's a moment, when, sitting side by side outside on a bench outside the studio and smoking, Lily's hand accidentally brushes against Megan's own. Something like electricity sparks through her then and she snaps her hand away quickly, her heart beating double-time in her chest.

(Lily seems to not notice, just pauses before flicking her fag away and standing up, heading back inside.)

 

;;

 

"Well," Lily says once the week is over and Megan's packing her clothes away in her small green suitcase, carefully folding up tops and skirts and pairs of jeans. "That was fun, wasn't it?"

"Except for Tuesday night when you somehow convinced me that it would be completely alright if we polished off a bottle of vodka on our own and we stayed out until three o'clock in the morning before having to get up at six for make-up," Megan grins; Lily smiles in return. "Aside from that, it was fun, yeah."

They're quiet for a bit.

Then Lily says, in an off-hand sort of way, "I was thinking, you know, why we don't hang out more."

"Because," Megan says, working very hard to keep her voice flat and even. "Because you have Kathryn."

 

;;

 

They part ways at the London station.

Megan glances back at Lily over her shoulder, watches the way Lily pulls out her mobile, the way a smile breaks across her face when she looks down at the screen. It makes her heart knot up unexpectedly; it's not until she gets outside that she's able to breathe again.

 

;;

 

"Come here," Kathryn says, reaching forward and knitting her fingers in Lily's jumper, pulling her in. Lily's arms fall around Kat's waist as Kat stands on tiptoe and kisses her softly. Kathryn tastes like cigarettes and coffee and Lily can feel Kat's hands on the back of her neck, warm and soft and strong.

"Hello," Lily says with a small smile, pulling away a bit to catch her breath. "I'm back."

"I really fucking missed you," Kat mumbles, while her hands move to Lily's belt, undoing it swiftly, before tugging her in for another, rougher, kiss.

 

;;

 

Megan sits on the edge of Kathryn's bed and watches her sister pack.

"Have fun, alright?" she says, handing Kat a stack of messily folded blouses. "And try not to -- well, remember that this is actually _work_ that you're doing here, so try and retain some measure of professionalism. And don't like, get yourself -- or Lily, for fuck's sake, she's far too impressionable -- into any trouble."

"Honestly, Megan," Kat says, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I'm just saying," Megan picks at the corner of Kathryn's blanket, looks at the wall above Kathryn's pillows, at the small _l+k_ written over the lower left hand corner in red ink and handwriting too pretty to be Kat's own. "Just be careful, okay?"

 

;;

 

(So, so, different, Lily thinks, crawling into bed with Kathryn in Bristol, feeling warm skin beneath her palms and smelling strawberries, when she noses the hair away from Kat's neck and presses a kiss to the space there.)

 

;;

 

When Megan calls her, it comes as a surprise.

"Hello," Meg says, then rushes into an explanation: Kat's away filming with Merv, and maybe if Lily's not too busy, they could go out to a club or whatever -- just hang out, because like Lily herself said, they never actually spend any time alone together.

"Alright," Lily says agreeably, and makes plans to meet her the following night.

 

;;

 

Kathryn loves this song, Megan thinks, as it comes on over the speakers while she's downing her seventh shot and waiting for Lily to come back from the the toilets. And then she thinks about how nothing in her life is her own; it all belongs to Kat, every part of it.

(She can't have one thing for herself, ever.)

"Hey," Lily says cheerfully, sliding into the empty seat beside her, signalling for another round of shots. "Do you want to dance?" she asks, when their drinks arrive and they down them without hesitation.

Megan shakes her head. "I fancy a fag," she says, flourishing her lighter and pack of Lucky Strike. "Want one?"

Lily follows her out.

 

;;

 

There's just something about how she looks in the pale, yellow light, and Megan can't help it, she just wants _something_ for herself, for once.

(Kathryn's always getting in the way.)

 

;;

 

When Megan kisses her, it should come as a surprise.

(It doesn't.)

"I--I'm sorry," Megan stumbles, blushing a fierce pink colour, when they break apart. "I shouldn't have done that."

Lily looks at her, the way her hair looks in the afternoon sunlight, the way her nails are all painted the same dark shade of purple, the cuff of her sleeves, pale blue and yellow. "It's alright," she says at last, and pulls Megan back to her.

 

;;

 

"This is love, isn't it?" Kathryn asks her, pressing feather light kisses to the curve of Lily's neck. "The way I miss you when you're not here, how I think about you all the time. I don't know what to do with my hands when I'm near you, because all I want to do is touch you. The way I sometimes can't breathe when _you_ touch _me_. That's love, isn't it?"

"Yes," Lily says, turning her head so that their lips meet. "Yes it is."

 

;;

 

They're sitting on the curb outside of a club Kathryn dragged them all to, sharing a fag.

"I'm not sure, sometimes," Lily says, blowing out a mouthful of smoke. "If it's love."

Megan takes the fag from her, inhales deeply. "It is for Kat. I know it is."

Lily makes a sound of agreement, steals the cigarette back, finishes it off. They sit in a heavy silence for quite some time; Lily glances over at Megan, watches as she picks at the varnish on her nails, dark red and chipping. Wonders if maybe she sound say something -- anything.

"Do you ever wonder," Megan says suddenly, at last. "What things would be like if you hadn't known Kat from Mountview?"

"I hardly knew her then," Lily laughs."She's so different now."

"But still," Megan insists, turning and looking at Lily full on. "She was there and I wasn't. And because of that -- well, maybe not directly, but it's part of the reason why -- she got you. Because she knew you."

Lily looks down. "I don't know what we're talking about," she says softly.

"What I'm trying to say is," Megan starts, flustered and upset now. "Is that you're hers. You always have been."

"Maybe," Lily says quietly, looking off into the distance.

Megan sighs, turns back away, kicks at a stone on the pavement absentmindedly.

"I-I'm sorry," Lily says suddenly. "But I just can't -- I'm not entirely hers, am I?"

"I don't know," Megan says. "Are you?"

"I'm not sure," Lily murmurs, before leaning over and kissing Megan quickly, just the smallest flash of lips pressed against lips. She stares at Meg when she pulls away, tries to read her expression; it's both sad and happy all at once, the look on her face, and it makes Lily want to cry. "I don't know how this happened."

(When she does start to cry, Megan leans over and takes Lily's hand in her own.)

 

;;

 

Megan presses their palms flat together, intertwines Lily's fingers with hers, looks at their hands together and wonders if it will ever come naturally to them, to do this. And it's such a stupid, simple thing, but it's the sort of thing that Lily would do with _Kathryn_ and somehow, it just doesn't feel right, Megan thinks.

"I don't know how to fix this," Lily says, looking very sad and desperate.

"I'm not sure if we're supposed to know," Megan tells her, and kisses her again, very, very slowly.


End file.
